entry #8 : navigating the rest of the year
the semester has come to a close, both with school and work, which leaves me a bit scatterbrained every year. i’m not the biggest fan of summer, so i think the initial despair comes from the fact that i have to endure 90 degree weather for 3 months. or maybe it’s the allergies that plague the spring bloom. whatever it is that brings me down towards the end of the semester, it makes figuring out how i want to spend the next few months difficult to navigate. something something april showers.
rain is the one saving grace that presents itself through the seasonal transition, nothing else matters once the scent of petrichor fills the air. cats and humans sitting at the window, admiring water droplets as they race down the glass and our coffee cools. there’s something almost absurd about the life we find in the small pieces of our days. i had to read an excerpt from camus for my philosophy course recently, and his take on the absurdity of the sisyphean myth really resonated with where i am in life now. camus stipulates that the life sisyphus finds on his way down the hill is how we must live if we wish to live at all.
not having to work is a luxury most of the world doesn’t get to indulge in. labor is now an essential part of the human condition, and how we wrestle with the idea of our own individuality while also having half your waking hours taken up by work is the dilemma of the modern philosopher. quiet quitting isn’t really a solution i think, because it doesn’t give you that hit of dopamine. maybe your workload is easier when you’re not doing more than your share, but that doesn’t mean that you’re finding happiness.
happiness isn’t singular though. and i don’t expect to find it while making the choice to work as camus seems to want me to. I find that my happiness is contingent on feeling like i’m where i belong. like my existence isn’t taking up space, but rather right where it needs to be. i’m happy when i’m in my classrooms because i know i belong, and that my kids rely on me. i’m happy at home when i’m cooking and giving my cats little treats, because i know i’m right where i need to be, i’m the missing puzzle piece. but i can’t say that happiness is something i can only actively choose when i come to terms with the suffering that labor brings.
my commute to/from work is, ironically, when i remind myself that what i’m doing with my time is worth it. the irony? i don’t want to be sisyphus, but i can’t help but see the similarities. it’s not perfectly similar, i relish in my choice while blasting music in my ears, sisyphus does this on his walk down the hill towards/from his labor. is there a perfect time to choose to be happy? i don’t know that the choice always makes itself obviously available. it’s one of those things we must look for, work towards, and grasp when within reach. happiness is subjective, as are all emotions, and maybe it’s just me that struggles to find it during the summer, however i can’t just cocoon for 3 months and come out as an autumn butterfly. everyone around me is endlessly excited for it to be warm again, to be able to go to the beach, and i find myself trying to almost emulate those same feelings within myself. it’s difficult experiencing reverse seasonal depression T_T.
i don’t think it would be productive to just busy myself to alleviate the sadness, though it’s always my first instinct. it’s more than that though, i’m used to being so busy and unavailable, that when i have a real moment to breathe, i don’t really know what to do with myself. not because i don’t 〰 have 〰 anything to do, but more that i can’t decide what, if anything, to focus on. should i work on improving my art? finish one of the 8 books i’m reading? go for a run? i want to do everything and nothing and it leaves me, as i said, scatterbrained. i’m not expecting to find a solution, whether or not one exists. but maybe getting this into words will help change my perspective on endings and beginnings, or at least organize my thoughts. transitions aren’t so bad when you’re prepared and move along with them.
seems like it’s all gloom and doom otherwise, maybe that’s alright though. i don’t intend to change my outlook too much. warm weather, humidity, big no from me, but i should probably not let it get in the way of enjoying an entire quarter of the year anymore ಥ‿ಥ.
